Oh parentnoia! What to do?! How to make a good impression? It’s fairly understandable that you’d be nervous about the situation. Don’t get your knickers in a twist and just remember one thing, meeting the parents is like preparing for a job interview. If you stick with the following pointers you’ll do great… or you might do great if you don’t suffer from a heartastroke in the process.
Do research on the company you’ll be finding yourself in. Try to get to know more about your girlfriends’ parents beforehand so you’ll have an idea on what to expect. If they are highly religious then you should choose your words wisely e.g. “My goodness, what an absolutely splendid abode you’ve got here Mr and Miss’s Barnweazel” instead of exclaiming “Fuckit, you guys have one sweet pozzy going on here!” If the parents are total intellectual brainiacs per se, you can perhaps show off your wise ass smarts by stirring up a conversation on climate change. The key is to be prepared, try to get familiar with the Barnweazel territory
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Don’t be late for the meeting. If you arrive later than expected you will come across as an unorganized, untrustworthy lesbian douche bag. If you want to seem like the uber decent person you are, best you make like the Dutch and take mother-in-law some flowers or an exotic pot plant. You can even take daddy dearest a bottle of Jack Daniels – just stay away from wine or aperitifs, dad might feel like a fag hag upon receiving it.
Dress for success. And that’s not just some Roxette song to sing along to. I suggest you find an interview form, something that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian lumber jack. You’ll want to wear something that exuberates confidence while maintaining your particular respectability.
Etiquette is key. Remember your manners at all times. “Yes please”, “thank you”, “pardon me” etc. Do not put your feet up on their couch or chase their loving house poodle away. Offer to help out when it comes around to those tedious tasks like washing up the dishes, setting the table, preparation of the meal and so forth. Chew with your mouth closed and don’t even think about eye balling the family while they are saying grace.
Handling those tricky questions. Refrain from talking too much about yourself, ask questions instead and be an attentive listener, this will create the sense that you’re not too self-absorbed and genuinely interested in others. Be ready for any questions the parents might have. It’s probably best to leave out facts about yourself like the time you had to see a psychiatrist or when you were unemployed for over a year. Place the focus on your best characteristics and triumphs, never sell yourself short.
Show a little respect. Just like you wouldn’t start masturbating while waiting for the interviewer to arrive, try to refrain from getting it on with your girlfriend when you’re meeting the parents for the first time. Just because her parents can get it on in their own house, doesn’t mean that you should jump on the bandwagon too. In these cases it is better to tell yourself that your girlfriend was delivered by a stork. Show respect while in her parents’ space, they certainly do not need to hear their dearest princess have a vagina seizure nor do they need to hear their potential daughter-in-law exclaim colorful sentences like “I’m gonna rape you!”.
If you don’t succeed with these guidelines and you’re a little cunt fused about how to save the situation, I suggest that you keep an asthma inhaler ready at all times whilst trying to stay calm and just being yourself.
by Cindy Swigelaar
